"Is that heartbreak I see you hiding under your shirt?"
(No, I'm not running away, thank you very much.)
A year ago, I manually closed a vein as summer, highschool, and boyfriend slipped from daily verbal usage into slang from the past. Now, as summer cycles back into my schedule and the stress is temporarily suspended by my optimism, I find myself relaxing the pressure and letting all that held back emotion slap me in the face. About time I guess.
Have you ever gone back home after a long break and felt like a stranger for the first couple days as you rediscover your favorite spot on your bed and the way your doorbell sounds? As I sift through a thousand closeted memories, I feel like a dead person getting reacquainted with my old life. You would think after a year, like old clothes, these things wouldn't fit right anymore, but I have to consciously make an effort to avoid falling into it all again. Drawing the line between MISSING something and RELIVING it is hard. Its like I just got off a crash diet to find out freaking INEFFECTIVE it was. So now I have to teach my starving body about rations and moderation.
I'm also rediscovering other things that used to be part of me. I guess when I sliced out the parts that hurt and threw them in the freezer to wait, I cut a bunch of the blameless things too. Like friends, and home.
Sometimes I feel like my life consists of me looking back all the time and trying to make my peace with yesterday instead of looking up and having a great today so that I don't have to do damage control later.
