It’s a new year.
This doesn't mean much to me.
The last couple days have been horrendously challenging. Not in terms of expectations or requirements (because all I do every night is furtively sigh over the bachelor and then fall asleep), but more in terms of self image. I finally accept that I'm more than just 'mildly affected' by the end of an almost four year relationship. I know the break-up drill for other people, show up, bring food, bring bed supplies, stay for a week, or forever, but I've never been on THIS side of the process. I'm not good at it. I wish there was a handbook, or even just that I knew some shady wheeler and dealer who could procure me a map of some ancient Egyptian fabled invisible sparkling pathway so I would know that I'm on somewhat of the right track.
Apart from constantly sparring with the dumber side of my brain that causes me to seriously consider doing all sorts of idiotic things with regard to this boy in question, I've decided that new years resolutions, overrated and ineffective as they normally are, may actually have to serve proxy till I find a break-up roadmap on e-bay.
In the past, many and most of my new years resolutions have lasted almost as long as butterflies kept in jars. They're hopeful and inspiring but permanent only in my memory, which is discouraging. This year, here's my list of ephemerals:
1. Be 'healthy'. I've decided to scrap my normal list opener of 'gain weight' because maybe weighing less than 100 pounds is just karmic retribution for sins committed in my past life (never argue with the universe).
2. Find 'ME'. I'm cringing even as I type this out because it sounds like its out of a chicklit book where I star as the confused and delusional heroine. Maybe what I mean is more of "indulge myself." Take time to figure what what I really like and want. I've found that I'm exceptionally good at skating over changes. Amazingly, including changes in my own opinions.
3. Keep in touch. Now this one probably seems so much less dramatic than the first two, but I think its probably going to be the death of me. To me, keeping in touch isn't limited to people far away. I'm moody and M.I.A, and being with people isn't exactly the same as keeping in touch with them.
4. Bucket List. I'm looking at my 8th/9th grade bucket list taped onto the inside of my closet door and almost every thing has been checked off. The ones that HAVEN'T been checked off, I'm not even inclined to do anymore. I think college deserves a new, comprehensive bucket list. Yesyes.
Wish me luck.
Lots of it.
All of it if possible.
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