For the past couple of days, I've been trying to breathe and live and laugh without caving to my constant urge to CAPTURE THE MOMENT by taking a picture or saving the words on my phone. I've been trying to 'live in the moment' because apparently thats how I will 'have more fun' but honestly, the itch to write or take pictures has been slowly decomposing my brain.
I seriously have so much on my mind that I want to blog about today.
I titled my last post 'Jaded' because I started realizing that at times the only barrier between me and the teenage version of nirvana is my little OCD itch to have everything fixed up exactly how I fantasized it to be. My imagination is like my personal albatross staplegunned to my chest. I am never 100% happy with anything because realistically, nothing ever pans out EXACTLY how I pictured it. The problem with me having anything or anyone half worthwhile is that I get overattached and then I'm constantly stressed about losing it/them. Last week I found that even if I spent the whole day with my extremely wonderful FL, I would be upset the second he picked up the phone, or put on his shoes to leave. I'm afraid of the end of summer, when part by part, I might begin to lose him permanently. The fear of not being part of his life lurks in the back of my head and I end up pushing him away NOW just because I know he will leave me LATER.
Its such an emotionally predatory vicious cycle and I get so caught up in missing him when he is right in front of me. =/
Anyway
I never thought I would gain enlightenment from the voice of my tinny Ipod headphones, but the craziest things happen. (For the record, Bob Marley's song Redemption should be recognized as a from of spiritual guidance) =)
Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery;
None but ourselves can free our minds.
Have no fear for atomic energy,
'Cause none of them can stop the time
I was always skeptical of the Hollywood-esque "Moment Of Truth" where all of a sudden Clarity swoops in and whacks the handsome hero upside the head, but those lyrics were clarity shouting at me. It roughly translated to WOMAN GET OVER YOURSELF AND ENJOY WHAT YOU HAVE NOW. Theres that saying about a bird int he hand being better than two int he tree? Bush? Something dude. I know I'm getting very deep and gunky right now and I'm really not trying to. I've realized that this blog makes my thoughts appear very cluttered and haphazard and since most of my entries are alternately skeptical or depressing, I probably come off as an unhappy, bitter person. Which is untrue. I promise. =)
I titled my last post Jaded and it made me think of this song by the same name that I used to listen to non-stop when I was about twelve years old. =) I youtube-ed it (have I mentioned that Youtube has saved my life on multiple occasions) and unsurprisingly, I relate to this song NOW much more than I did when I was a naive happy-go-lucky preteen.
I'm copying the video and the lyrics below because both seemed so profound to me.
I'm not presumptuous enough to say that hes singing about my summer, but he might as well be because he's got it down like single digit addition.
I AM jaded.
I DO spend nights wondering and hoping for answers to questions that noone can answer yet.
I DO miss you most when you're out of reach.
I WILL NOT forget the places we've been.
I WONT wait for time to pass us by.
And damn straight I'll Never Regret These Years.
On a lighter note. David Villa is hott and Spain is going to win.
There's a time and place, for everything.
There's a reason why, certain people meet.
There's a destination, for everyone.
What's the explanation, when we're done?
All the summer nights spent wondering;
So many questions asked, but no one's answering.
Would it be okay if I left today?
Took my chances on what you said was wrong?
I'm jaded, stupid, and and reckles.
Not sorry, and I'll never regret.
These years spent, so faded and reckless.
Not sorry, and I'll never regret these years.
I'll never regret these years.
Now here i sit, so far away.
Remembering all our memories.
Its times like these that I miss you most,
Remembering when we were so close.
I'm jaded, stupid, and and reckles.
Not sorry, we'll never regret.
These years spent, so faded and reckless.
Not sorry, and I'll never regret these years.
We'll never forget the places we've been, you and i.
Our lives are slipping away.
Don't want to let time pass us by, by...
I'm jaded, stupid, and and reckles.
Not sorry, and I'll never regret.
These years....
